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it's 8pm, and I'm enjoying my wine which is sure to give me a massive headache tomorrow. listening to the new Death Cab for Cutie...which is quite lovely.
I had my second counselling session tonight with my therapist.
I decided to take full advantage of my work benefits and began grief counselling a couple months ago.
Tonight's ephiphany was "Structure". It was mind-blowing discovering how much structure I need in my life. Especially since I took off to Japan 5 years ago. I packed a bag, got on a plane, had no knowledge of the country or the language or my accomdations and just went. No structure. Just living.
Definitely the death of my mum has magnified my structural needs. I absolutely have to have my day and week planned. I also provide no room for flexibilty.
I wake up, get dressed, have coffee, go to work, structure my employees' day, come home, eat dinner and have a very regimented TV schedule. If friends call with spur-of-the-moment plans, I say no.
So, I did know this about myself, but I did NOT realize how 'structure' has infiltrated every single aspect of my life.
What happened to the girl who took off to Japan on a whim?
What happened to the girl who could do anything at any time?
The wine is making me ramble. I will get back to her...I will find her and embrace her and become her once again.
Next issue: relationships. What accountability/responsibilty do you have to your partner?
Can't get into it now...wine will make me rage.
7:57 PM - May 14, 2008 - {2} -
Mother's Day is almost here again. Remember all those years when you bugged Matt and I to send you a card? Then finally I did...all on my own when I was about 23. haha...better late than never.
It's been hard at work mum, having to set up the Mother's Day merchandising directives. All the glossy posters with happy, smiley mothers and daughters in warm embraces. An embrace I miss so much. The pain and longing is still so very raw. I really miss you. And those tiny words seem so insignificant. They don't even come close to encompassing what my heart really says, really feels.
Everyone will be together though mum on Sunday. I've made it my mission to gather all of us together and to try and celebrate your life. I try to do that every day too. I'm constantly reminding myself about how you lived your life and your never-ending optimism...but it's difficult to put into practice...especially when I just feel sad most of the time.
I was at the bus stop a couple weeks ago and a teenage girl was giving her mother grief (can't remember what they were arguing about) but the mother said "you should be glad you have a mother". Well it was all I could do not to step in, not to give the girl a smack and make her think for one second what it would be like if she didn't have her mum. That's how I feel sometimes, I get a little too righteous and I'm trying to keep real about the whole thing. You were fantastic and wonderful and my best friend...but we all have our flaws and I'm trying to steer clear of putting you on a pedestal, of crowning you with sainthood.
You doted on and looked after your son too much. He's now a 27 year old boy who can't function in any sort of "real-life" way. He refuses to take any initiative and has dug himself into a black hole financially and emotionally. I can't help think mum, that if you just had put your foot down over the years and really made him fend for himself if he'd be more capable. But I know what you would say to me, because we had this conversation when you were alive, you would say "He's my son, I'll help him out in anyway I can."
I understand. I just hate dealing with the aftermath, of now having to take care of him because you're gone.
On Sunday, We're going to drive out to the grave and visit you, I can't believe it's been five months and it still isn't any easier. I'm so angry, so bloody furious somedays that you are gone, you were so young, and we had SO MUCH to do still. We were going to go to Greece and who am I going to bird-watch with this summer?? Mother's Day is something totally different to me now, I know it's sounds lame, actually I guess everyday is now Mother's Day for me. I love you and I miss you and I want the pain to stop. Please watch out for us.
And say hello to grandma and grandpa, ask them to take care of my uncle because I don't want to.
8:25 AM - May 8, 2008 - {1} -
Is that a word? Of course. So, I've missed bloggong. Having a free forum, that few people know about to express, to release, to be trivial. I've now been back in Canada for exactly 2 years-almost to the day.
I miss the island. I will take a vacation there.
Two years, and unfortunately my other 'Uh...Huh' blog wasn't backed up-and with the change here at efx2, I don't think there's anyway I can retrieve thsoe entries. That'll teach me for journalling on a computer. HAH! So in a very point-form, organized way I'll recap the past two years.
-moved home lived with my mum for one year
-manager at a bookstore
-moved in with boyfriend last September
-mum got sick in September
-mum passed away in Dec.
-went to Quebec city for vacation
-grandmother passed away this month
-will go camping in June
Bizarre looking list. Nonetheless, those have been the big events of the past while. I'm sure there'll be a plethora of weepy entries..for the deaths are overwhelming and that's one of the reasons I'm blogging again.
The paper journal just isn't cutting it, having blogged so much in Japan, I miss it. Clicking away, forcing out my thoughts, often insignificant but important to me.
So hopefully I can figure out the rest of this design business and finish off my menus and such.
11:17 AM - May 4, 2008 - {0} -
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