Uh...Huh

Posted in Thorns

Mother's Day is almost here again. Remember all those years when you bugged Matt and I to send you a card? Then finally I did...all on my own when I was about 23. haha...better late than never.
It's been hard at work mum, having to set up the Mother's Day merchandising directives. All the glossy posters with happy, smiley mothers and daughters in warm embraces. An embrace I miss so much. The pain and longing is still so very raw. I really miss you. And those tiny words seem so insignificant. They don't even come close to encompassing what my heart really says, really feels.

Everyone will be together though mum on Sunday. I've made it my mission to gather all of us together and to try and celebrate your life. I try to do that every day too. I'm constantly reminding myself about how you lived your life and your never-ending optimism...but it's difficult to put into practice...especially when I just feel sad most of the time.

I was at the bus stop a couple weeks ago and a teenage girl was giving her mother grief (can't remember what they were arguing about) but the mother said "you should be glad you have a mother". Well it was all I could do not to step in, not to give the girl a smack and make her think for one second what it would be like if she didn't have her mum. That's how I feel sometimes, I get a little too righteous and I'm trying to keep real about the whole thing. You were fantastic and wonderful and my best friend...but we all have our flaws and I'm trying to steer clear of putting you on a pedestal, of crowning you with sainthood.

You doted on and looked after your son too much. He's now a 27 year old boy who can't function in any sort of "real-life" way. He refuses to take any initiative and has dug himself into a black hole financially and emotionally. I can't help think mum, that if you just had put your foot down over the years and really made him fend for himself if he'd be more capable. But I know what you would say to me, because we had this conversation when you were alive, you would say "He's my son, I'll help him out in anyway I can."
I understand. I just hate dealing with the aftermath, of now having to take care of him because you're gone.

On Sunday, We're going to drive out to the grave and visit you, I can't believe it's been five months and it still isn't any easier. I'm so angry, so bloody furious somedays that you are gone, you were so young, and we had SO MUCH to do still. We were going to go to Greece and who am I going to bird-watch with this summer?? Mother's Day is something totally different to me now, I know it's sounds lame, actually I guess everyday is now Mother's Day for me. I love you and I miss you and I want the pain to stop. Please watch out for us.
And say hello to grandma and grandpa, ask them to take care of my uncle because I don't want to.

8:25 AM - May 8, 2008 - post comment

your Mum
That was a post from the heart and you are right, many people do not realise what they have until the lose it.
I am truly saddened to learn of your mother's passing yet glad that she lives on in your heart.
Big Hug
L.
Vampyre - 11:30 PM - May 8, 2008

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Dear Mum

8:25 AM - May 8, 2008 - post comment

your Mum

Vampyre - 11:30 PM - May 8, 2008

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