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Posted in Unspecified
Have moved and will be frequently blogging at
http://bonadrag.efx3.com
Yes...I did say frequently.
Promise...
ok..will try to..
9:36 PM - May 15, 2009 - {0} -
Posted in Unspecified
I am currently listeing to Two Tongues. A side project put together by Max Bemis and Chris Conley. Not bad...not too bad.
Well my blogging is very infrequent.
It's been over a year since mum died.
Funny enough too I just got in touch with an old friend from Scotland. We taught together in Okinawa and got along fabulously. I remembered her mum had passed several years ago. Anyway we got chatting again and found out her mum passed at the age of 52 as well. Weird connection.
And it always feels a little horrible when people who I haven't spoken to in a long time ask me how I am, how my family is and inevitably how's my mum (because she met and knew so many of my friends over the years). Then I tell them she died and things get a little awkward. ooops-sorry to bring death into the conversation!
This Christmas was ridiculously hard because I was actually alert and aware. Last year, she passed on Dec. 7th-and I seriously don't remember anything about that month. I remember her dying, the funeral, and Christmas Eve. I don't remember working, I don't remember anything else at all.
So this year I was acutely aware of all that surrounded me. The time of year, the snow, the smells, the absence.
And I still get angry. I still have those piercing stabs of longing. Of wanting just to hang out, to call her, to go shopping, to have a beer, to watch Supernanny. All with her and now all by myself.
But enough of that.
I'm heading to Cuba on the 14th. Never been. Am addicted to Trip Advisor now as well, reading ALL of the reviews posted about the resort I'm going to.
Seriously there are some messed up travellers out there. I admit I have acquired a level of travel snobbery having lived abroad for 4 years. But these reviews are over the top, with their over reactions.
So I've noticed people like to give really bad reviews on a resort if the weather's bad. huh? "That resort freaking SUCKED....it rained 3 out of 7 days." A resort can suffer a bad review as well because of the other patrons. I can understand having a bad trip because of nasty weather or crappy, ignorant guests-but is that the resort's fault? hmmm...no.
It should be interesting. My bf has never travelled and I have quite a bit. So I have a feeling I'll turn into the trip school marm "do this" "don't do that". etc.
Should be a good laugh though.
9:21 AM - February 6, 2009 - {2} -
Posted in Unspecified
My grandfather was born on Manitoulin Island. I had my first camping experience when I was two and went camping every summer with my family and grandparents up until the age of 16 or so.
Our camping trips consisted of Papa steering the huge Ford Econoline directly into the 'bush'. No road, no legal campsite, we'd just plow through until my grandfather decided on a spot by the lake. We bathed in Lake Huron, cooked on the campfire and listened to the wolves howling at night.
I haven't been camping for a stretch of time since then. I've done a couple overnight trips and some beach camping in Okinawa but haven't been out in the great Canadian wilderness in far too long.
So I had over a week of holidays and my boy and I decided we'd head up to Algonquin.
We rented a compact/econo car but ended up with a Ford Mustang convertible-(which is a whole other story). We left on a Monday morning with blue skies and the top down.
All I wished for was to get back to nature-cheesy perhaps, but I can't deny this urge that's been thumping inside me as of late to be amongst trees and water. To be completely away from cities, people, shops and society in general.
We were rained out. The first afternoon was fab, and then it started. First, a light rain, then a pounding, then a steady downpour followed by a further beating.
We tried to stick it out, but 24 hours later, it hadn't let up at all....so we drove into town on our second night and we hooked ourselves up at a hotel.
Not what I had in mind, but the pool was relaxing.
We went back to the campsite the following day and it still hadn't stopped. It was now going on 48 hours of rain.
We gave up. We came home.
I know there'll be other chances. I was so defeated and it took me the drive home, with some help of Billy Bragg to figure out why I was so heart-breakingly sad. Camping had very much been a family thing-and ONLY on my mother's side of the family.
I wanted the nostalgia. I wanted to regal the bf with hours of ridiculously boring camping stories. To tell him about how we used to make fun of my mum because everything she saw was so "purdy" and was prone to shedding tears at the sight of any scenic landmark. I wanted to relive some of the times I had spent with mum, Papa and grandma...since they are all gone now.
I guess it wasn't meant to be, I should've known when I realized we had forgotten marshmellows.
On a side note. I had an utterly stupid moment of panic when I thought I dropped the travel-sized toothpaste down the side panel where the convertible reclines. I was absolutely terrified, had a meltdown, was stressed as I told my bf "I think I've ruined the car...I think I broke it...what if the top won't go down because the toothpaste will have jammed it?"
yea, bf was happy to point out that the convertible mechanisms, composed of steel bars would just slice through the wee toothpaste tube.
uhh...right...I do have my stupid moments. I swear I usually am a very clever girl. Still don't know if the toothpaste fell down there.
We did see two moose though.
6:46 PM - June 25, 2008 - {3} -
For those of you with significant others, does it bother you if your partner has a little online flirtation in their blog/chatrooms etc.?
Way back in 1997, when I got out of my first serious relationahip, with a not-so-nice boy, I took to IRCing....all the time. It was way too much fun to pass the time with strangers, in a chatroom, to the wee hours of the night. A safe little community, where you could remain anonymous to a degree. I IRCed regularly for about two years...and then the fun wore off and I went to uni and that was that.
I can't recall ever striking up a relationship with a guy online. There were guys (and girls) that I looked forward to talking to and there was the allure of "who is he?" but that was it.
My current boy is very good-looking (to me of course, every one has their own taste). But I've watched him blog and chat on other sites and the girls come out of the woodwork. And we're not talking "hello, how are you?". We're talking automatic "xoxo, you're really cute". (no, he's not on pick-up sites:P). I try to remain cool and calm, but sometimes it really gets me and the evil jealousy monster comes out to play. I'm being bare-bones honest here.
So I don't know what to do, I certainly would never ask him to stop because that would be like asking me not to post here...but I need to know if this is common, not alone? Am I crazy?....hahaha ok I know I"m not...but has anyone else ever had this problem? How was it resolved?
11:15 AM - May 31, 2008 - {7} -
it's 8pm, and I'm enjoying my wine which is sure to give me a massive headache tomorrow. listening to the new Death Cab for Cutie...which is quite lovely.
I had my second counselling session tonight with my therapist.
I decided to take full advantage of my work benefits and began grief counselling a couple months ago.
Tonight's ephiphany was "Structure". It was mind-blowing discovering how much structure I need in my life. Especially since I took off to Japan 5 years ago. I packed a bag, got on a plane, had no knowledge of the country or the language or my accomdations and just went. No structure. Just living.
Definitely the death of my mum has magnified my structural needs. I absolutely have to have my day and week planned. I also provide no room for flexibilty.
I wake up, get dressed, have coffee, go to work, structure my employees' day, come home, eat dinner and have a very regimented TV schedule. If friends call with spur-of-the-moment plans, I say no.
So, I did know this about myself, but I did NOT realize how 'structure' has infiltrated every single aspect of my life.
What happened to the girl who took off to Japan on a whim?
What happened to the girl who could do anything at any time?
The wine is making me ramble. I will get back to her...I will find her and embrace her and become her once again.
Next issue: relationships. What accountability/responsibilty do you have to your partner?
Can't get into it now...wine will make me rage.
7:57 PM - May 14, 2008 - {2} -
So my best bud M was down again this weekend, namely for the Mother's Day celebration we did yesterday. On Saturday night, we decided to head out for a few drinks and meet up with some others. It was myself, M, my brother, my boyfriend C, his friend and girl and we were to meet a few peeps at the pub.
First, C's friend flakes off, totally leaving his gf stranded and for no apparent good reason.
Then, the people we meet up with, seem to be full of unnecessary drama, as they continue to drink too much, argue and have 'secret talks' outside. Weird weird weird.
It didnt' help that I was sober.
But looking around I couldnt' help but think how functional my very dysfunctional loved ones are. C, M, and my brother had a lot to drink, considering it was our first Mother's Day (the next day) without our mum, we were completely relaxed and in great spirits. M, who lost her mum a couple years ago was also fine. When M, lost her mum, my mum became her mother (quite literally). So really M, has lost two mothers in 3 years. Not good.
But we were all cool and lovely and smiley and were quite baffled about all the drama surrounding us. Just a bizarre evening.
Mother's Day itself was ok. I had a good cry with C when I got home. My brother isn't doing as well I think. I think the only time he allows himself to work through this is when he comes home to visit. Anyway, one holiday down, now just to get through my birthday next week. I'm sure it'll be fine...maybe I shouldn't be trying to quit smoking though....hahaha any excuse to have another...
4:53 PM - May 12, 2008 - {0} -
Mother's Day is almost here again. Remember all those years when you bugged Matt and I to send you a card? Then finally I did...all on my own when I was about 23. haha...better late than never.
It's been hard at work mum, having to set up the Mother's Day merchandising directives. All the glossy posters with happy, smiley mothers and daughters in warm embraces. An embrace I miss so much. The pain and longing is still so very raw. I really miss you. And those tiny words seem so insignificant. They don't even come close to encompassing what my heart really says, really feels.
Everyone will be together though mum on Sunday. I've made it my mission to gather all of us together and to try and celebrate your life. I try to do that every day too. I'm constantly reminding myself about how you lived your life and your never-ending optimism...but it's difficult to put into practice...especially when I just feel sad most of the time.
I was at the bus stop a couple weeks ago and a teenage girl was giving her mother grief (can't remember what they were arguing about) but the mother said "you should be glad you have a mother". Well it was all I could do not to step in, not to give the girl a smack and make her think for one second what it would be like if she didn't have her mum. That's how I feel sometimes, I get a little too righteous and I'm trying to keep real about the whole thing. You were fantastic and wonderful and my best friend...but we all have our flaws and I'm trying to steer clear of putting you on a pedestal, of crowning you with sainthood.
You doted on and looked after your son too much. He's now a 27 year old boy who can't function in any sort of "real-life" way. He refuses to take any initiative and has dug himself into a black hole financially and emotionally. I can't help think mum, that if you just had put your foot down over the years and really made him fend for himself if he'd be more capable. But I know what you would say to me, because we had this conversation when you were alive, you would say "He's my son, I'll help him out in anyway I can."
I understand. I just hate dealing with the aftermath, of now having to take care of him because you're gone.
On Sunday, We're going to drive out to the grave and visit you, I can't believe it's been five months and it still isn't any easier. I'm so angry, so bloody furious somedays that you are gone, you were so young, and we had SO MUCH to do still. We were going to go to Greece and who am I going to bird-watch with this summer?? Mother's Day is something totally different to me now, I know it's sounds lame, actually I guess everyday is now Mother's Day for me. I love you and I miss you and I want the pain to stop. Please watch out for us.
And say hello to grandma and grandpa, ask them to take care of my uncle because I don't want to.
8:25 AM - May 8, 2008 - {1} -
Is that a word? Of course. So, I've missed bloggong. Having a free forum, that few people know about to express, to release, to be trivial. I've now been back in Canada for exactly 2 years-almost to the day.
I miss the island. I will take a vacation there.
Two years, and unfortunately my other 'Uh...Huh' blog wasn't backed up-and with the change here at efx2, I don't think there's anyway I can retrieve thsoe entries. That'll teach me for journalling on a computer. HAH! So in a very point-form, organized way I'll recap the past two years.
-moved home lived with my mum for one year
-manager at a bookstore
-moved in with boyfriend last September
-mum got sick in September
-mum passed away in Dec.
-went to Quebec city for vacation
-grandmother passed away this month
-will go camping in June
Bizarre looking list. Nonetheless, those have been the big events of the past while. I'm sure there'll be a plethora of weepy entries..for the deaths are overwhelming and that's one of the reasons I'm blogging again.
The paper journal just isn't cutting it, having blogged so much in Japan, I miss it. Clicking away, forcing out my thoughts, often insignificant but important to me.
So hopefully I can figure out the rest of this design business and finish off my menus and such.
11:17 AM - May 4, 2008 - {0} -
this is a lot of work...hahaha i know nothing about design :confused:
11:10 AM - May 4, 2008 - {1} -
Wow! So things have changed. Lots has changed in my life, and I can't wait to see what's been happening with everyone else. We'll see who's still around. And let's see if I can this page actually designed....may need a lot of help.
2:16 PM - January 21, 2008 - {2} -
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